I was reading through some of the posts I had made on my old blog from July through September of last year, and noticed that it was the most revealing information I've ever put out about my emotions. A lot of the stuff I wrote was intentionally vague, but still gave anyone who cared to type those four skeets into a web browser a relatively complete look at what kind of person I was.
Since starting this new blog I've been trying to stay away from the introspective, the posts that are going to tell you how I feel, probably just because I know it makes me vulnerable--and I have an image to project! I need people to see me a certain way! If I'm always whining on here, how am I supposed to be the big player out in real life? My facade is broken so easily with a public journal like this!
But on the other hand, having those entries to return to is wonderful, because it let's me look at just what was going on in my brain, or at least what I was putting out there for people to read.
It sort of brings back a feeling, having those things out there.
It also makes me feel naked.
Over the past few days I've had a boatload of emotion that I've needed to release but have been unable to write it down, or at least unwilling to let myself. I know people will read it, I know what people will think, and maybe that's the whole point? But besides that, I don't know if I can be honest enough with myself--in my head--to expect that what I write down will be any more truthful.
The last post that I started about it was titled "Regret," and I didn't really get very far along with that one.
A couple paragraphs, a couple words, just to remind me so that when I turn around and read it in a few weeks, months, years, that feeling in the pit of my stomach could be replicated slightly.
But I didn't say too much.
Just that I'm dripping in regret. Shame. Embarrassment. Anger.
Someone said to me the other day, you know Brett, moving on is so hard because we're all just getting established, into that rut, back into the comfortable rhythm of things. College graduate. Employee. Etc.
So how can I be expected to pull myself together again for another long term trip--that will ultimately result in what?--when I'm so comfortable in the here and now, and when things feel so... promising?
It's as if every night I go out, the world is on the verge of exploding, some new surprise awaits me when I least expect it. I get that feeling a lot.
I'm drinking too much.
I never used to forget things.
I told that girl she was beautiful, and I meant it, and I hadn't had a feeling like that since, well, we both remember when that was... a long time ago (has it really been a year and a half now?), but I said it to her a few times more than I should have, and maybe it was the alcohol talking but, hey, it's been done. I told her.
I whispered it in her ear.
And the thing is, I never used to forget things when I was drunk.
But I've been recreating that night over and over in my mind and I can't quite place the details. I know that numbers were exchanged with kisses, but how did it come about, how was I acting, was it really as I had remembered it, or was it the complete opposite? Why isn't she returning my calls, why am I even caring about it at all?
Blond and speckled with freckles and blue eyes that demanded attenton.
How good is my memory, really?
This kind of thing never happens to me, so I shouldn't let it.
brett at 09:08 AM on May 02, 2006 | Permalink
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